just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
