i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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