the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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