I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
