For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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