he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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