I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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