I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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