I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
