so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
