today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
