Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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