its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
