If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
