I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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