yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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