My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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