I'll bet she douches with gravy.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
