Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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