Plan B is the new Plan A
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
