remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
