remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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