Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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