My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
