I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
