At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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