The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
