Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
