she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
