a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
