My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
