i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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