just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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