come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
