My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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