you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
