He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
