Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
