I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
