69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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