Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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