No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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