I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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