at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
