You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
