oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
