I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
