I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
