Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
