i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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