Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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