I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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