I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize