So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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