This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
