i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
