Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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