i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
