I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
