I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
