I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize