It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
love makes seman taste better
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
