My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
