sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
