well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
