were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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